party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
