when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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