I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
