hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
