dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
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We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
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If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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