I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
