I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
