My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
