I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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