How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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