there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
