i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
