I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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