My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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