we're blogging at a bar
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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