So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
