Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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