I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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