He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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