I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
