I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
