i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
