Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
