you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
