Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I pour the whiskey from now on
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
