he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
