Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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