Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
