I think my vagina is haunted
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
