Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
