I wish I could teleport
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
and she was petting her beer can
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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