Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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