If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
