We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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