Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
