i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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