he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕