he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
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she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
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I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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