I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
