I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
