this just has baby written all over it
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Randomize
