Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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