The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
