I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
