Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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