I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
