Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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