that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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