Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
