I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
