My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
