Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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