Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
