I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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