dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
