How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
