I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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