You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
